Why I Don’t Want My Daughter Going To Church

When our daughter was born we hadn’t settled on a name, but in those moments after she entered into the world, we knew we wanted her to be a strong women; her name means “Mighty and Strong” in Hebrew. It’s a sobering reality that this is a difficult world for the female half of the population. Women across the globe face terrible oppression, and have for centuries, despite their indispensable role in bringing forth life and continuing the human race.

I want my daughter to know she has infinite value as a female and I want my son to know that females are every bit as capable and worthy of praise as men. It will break my heart if I ever her my son say “you throw like a girl” as an insult or see my daughter avoid trying something because it’s been regulated for “boys”. It’s with this desire to empower my children and instill these values that I start to get uncomfortable with some of the realities of Christianity. There are three specific things that trouble me: The Bible’s lack of valuing women, the churches history and current practices, and the churches silence on modern day injustices.

No matter how you look at it, the Bible, “God’s Inspired Word” seems to stray little from the cultural norms of the history which it is written in. There are maybe a handful of examples of esteeming women, but by and large it is a book written by men and about men with stories and laws that do not value women the way we inherently believe they should be valued.  If we believe the book is inspired by God, I think it should at least give us pause. Considering the majority of sermons week in and week out are preached out of a book that largely ignores the women in the pews, it shouldn’t simply go unmentioned or swept aside.

As some churches move toward a more empowering view of women, others seem as set in their ways as ever. Even the progressive churches are barely keeping up with secular society. It’s not just about ordaining females or blessing them to work outside the home, I mean, it wasn’t that long ago that woman were forbidden to wear pants, let alone the right to vote. If I want a place that esteems women as much as it does men, churches seem like the last place to look.

“Loving your neighbor” doesn’t always just mean touchy-feely charity, it also means acknowledging injustices and working hard to right those injustices. The idea that they will “know we are Christians by our love” should include love for the women in the pews as well as those in the community and across the globe. There are real injustices that many women silently face in our own community, from the wage gap to domestic violence. Churches should be on the front-lines in addressing these issues as they impact many of those in the pews.  And on a global scale the church has a role supporting our fellow sisters in Christ, many who face terrible oppression in their communities from slavery and sex trafficking to iron deficiencies and lack of schools to gain an education.

I’ve only barely scratched the surface on each of the above topics, but I hope it paints at least an adequate picture of the concerns I have when thinking about raising my children in church. I think most parents, liberal and conservative, share similar values of desiring their daughters to grow up feeling valued and esteemed, and for their boys to grow up also esteeming women. My hope is that together we can all take a step back and think critically about how we are instilling these values and how the church can do it better.

22 thoughts on “Why I Don’t Want My Daughter Going To Church”

  1. Great thoughts, and I applaud your willingness to question injustice everywhere you see it, even if it means the context for which scripture was written. As for the context of scripture, I think we are called to see the Bible for what it is, a story of God's work of grace within a specific place in time. It's obvious God didn't approve with everything that was a part of the world, but great news for us that that didn't stop him from getting involved. I think it makes examples of Christ interacting/loving women all the more powerful considering the cultural setting he was in.

    1. Ben! thanks for stopping by and chiming in. I definitely agree with the idea of seeing the Bible as "a story of God's work of grace within a specific place in time. "
      And I think there are, within the historical context, a few powerful examples of women being esteemed or loved/interacted with. At the same time, they are still fairly rare in the stories and I think this point needs to be acknowledged more from the pulpit. Even with the brief explanation similar to what you just gave. I just don't want girls growing up feeling largely ignored within the context of the church and the Bible.

  2. I don't know if we even get some of the radicalness in the Bible (a woman, like Deborah, leading a nation, like Israel?); I think there's a lot we miss out on because we don't get how ancient Israel culture was. There are professors, authors and speakers that have opened my eyes a little.

    The Bible is confusing. Yes, both sexes are created in God's image (which would imply equality), but then women aren't allowed to speak in church? Many churches do take that literally (which is their prerogative); others understand there to be situational nuances to the context. I went to seminary with women who grew up being told that they couldn't be a pastor–even though they clearly felt called by God to be one (thankfully, our seminary & denomination affirms and advocates for them).

    It's interesting, because for the most part the church is made up of women. In most churches, the male population is lacking. Churches are struggling to find ways to attract men to their pews. This isn't just Western Culture, either. I know that in Latin America & Africa it is common for women to make up the bulk of the congregation.

    At the same time, I think our culture has done harm by trying to blur the lines between masculinity & femininity and confusing people about what it means to be a male or female. God clearly made distinction between male & female. we need to learn to affirm those differences while maintaining equality.

    Those are a bunch of random, unconnected thoughts. More of me fleshing things out than posting my theory on it all.

  3. Good thoughts… I've grown alot in the last decade concerning gender, identity, difference, and "roles" (all grouped together as AN issue). I feel that there is always something lost in the attempt to remove difference… like "boys are no different than girls" because that simply isn't true. HOWEVER, I think that you are perfectly accurate in your criticism of "the Church's" failure in seeing the infinite worth each gender holds… Anyways, you are right about only being able to scratch the surface… that's certainly the condition of "blogging".

    It's been a while since I read this, but I found this short essay encouraging and insightful when I did:http://www.gregboyd.org/essays/essays-church/wome

    1. I'll just voice quick agreement on both fronts, I don't believe boys and girls are exactly the same, but I do think the vast majority of differences we tend to reinforce are societal gender roles, not natural differences.

    1. Good questions. Justice obviously has a lot of facets. When I'm speaking about justice for women, I'm primarily (at the moment), thinking about the sorts of issues I mentioned in the post, the wage gap, domestic abuse, sex trafficking, lack of education opportunities, etc. Those are things that specifically affect women globally much more so then men.
      And yes, the church has done a lot right. So, have non-church goers. That shouldn't excuse anyone from further critique and challenge. As Christians and as a church body, we are to continually strive onward the "good work in you will carry it on to completion"

  4. I would think that if you compare what happens in the church (and as a result of God's grace and working in human lives) it is still infinitely better than what we see in the world around us still under the influence of human nature. I just read an article in the paper today about a woman who has just moved to Canada from Pakistan. She had to run in the middle of the night to train for her sport, accompanied by her brother. She was ridiculed, excluded from participating in events and even had a Muslim man presented to her to marry so that she would be less offensive.
    You're right – what happens in the church is not by any means the heaven in which we will someday partake. However, Christ's example and the influence of believers throughout the ages has provided women with far more freedom and recognized significance than we would have without.

    1. Caralee,

      I appreciate you chiming in. And I agree, there are many examples of horrible atrocities and injustices in the world "under the influence of human nature." But, I wouldn't necessarily exempt the church from that category either. Your example is of oppression of women within the Muslim community in Pakistan, and I agree there are some serious issues to address there. But there are also plenty of injustices within the global Christian community as well. For example, the Rwandan genocide was carried out largely by professing Christians. Let alone the crusades of many years ago.
      Let's not be so quick to point the finger. Much oppression has been carried out under the banner of Christ.

      1. Ariah –
        Thanks for your response. I recognize that you are provoking thought and for the purpose of this dialogue, perhaps over-stating your concern about raising our daughters in the church. Having travelled to many parts of the world, and being fairly well-read and informed, I have to hold firm to my position that the values that we hold to be true in the small-c catholic church are far more favourable to me and my fellow-sisters than what else is out there. I think my point would be that EVERY person is worthy of respect and dignity because of their 'made in the Image' position, and as a woman, I can be just as guilty of oppressing and not-valuing people regardless of their gender. I don't know of a BETTER place to raise my children than in the church as Christ intended it to be. Do you?

        1. Caralee,

          In my limited experience, I would actually personally agree with you that I haven't found a better place to raise my children then in the church "as Christ intended it to be." But, in my experience, few churches are living that out to the extent that they could be.

          I'm definitely provoking thought, but I wouldn't say I'm over-stating my concerns. The above reasons are definitely reasons why I don't want to raise my daughter (or son) in the church. But there are other reasons that I do, partially because I see the potential for good and empowerment within the values of Jesus. That said, I don't think anything I said in the post was an overstatement, I see them all as honest concerns that I have.

  5. The (modern) church has attempted to address the issue of gender inequality several times, often I fear, just to address the rumblings from our female members. However, I believe the answers will not come simply by a group of men sitting around a conference table discussing a more gender-equal church. We desperately need more female leaders in the church and we need to be intentional about attracting, educating and opening the door for women in the church (don't take that to mean women need educating, I simply mean that the university system, particularly in Christian colleges can do a better job of educating in a gender neutral fashion). The first way that gender injustice in the church can be battled is by doing a better job of opening up leadership positions to women, which will mean some men will have to be intentional about giving up their seat at the table.

      1. Ariah:
        I make it a policy to not get involved in religious debates or discussions-I feel strongly to each his own and to me, my own. After a lifetime of refusing to believe 'in a box' or accept things that don't make sense to me, I have found that there is another whole way to go.
        Take all the things that you mention in your original blog and read the story of Unitarian Univeralists, a non-creadle 'religion' that is based on such basic human beliefs that it will feel instinctually 'right' and follow much of what you're asking.
        These are things I think you would be proud to have your daughter believe in: The inherent worth and dignity of every person; justice, equity and compassion in human relations; acceptance of one another and encouragement of to spiritual growth in our congregations; a free and responsible search for truth and meaning; the right of conscience and the use of the democratic process within our congregation and in society at large; the goal of world community with, peace, liberty and justice for all, and respected for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part.
        I don't know exactly what the person who sits next to me in church believes in nor does it matter; I do know that our ultimate goals are the same. I do not feel tied to beliefs that I've been told I HAVE to believe in…I don't…I have the right to choose for myself.
        I have never been part of any 'organized religion' where I have seen true equality at work the way it does in the place I worship now.Our minister is a woman, chosen after after a long search by a committee of my peers and voted on by the entire congregation to 100% unanimous vote. Equality? I think so..one person, man or woman decided it for me…I was part and parcel of the decision and proud to be there. After 71 years…I have found the place I belong. And our doors are always open..

  6. I had a whole response typed, but it wouldn't fit in the space allowed here. Oops! 🙂
    I think one thing modern, American churches ignore when reading and teaching the Bible is how our culture is vastly different from the one in which the Bible was written. I am not excusing injustices done, nor condoning them; I believe American churches twist their values into something that can be supported by Biblical values. If the Bible shows the cultural norms of its day and it is the 'inspired, living word of God,' how can we better interpret it to fit the culture we live in today? Sometimes I feel we put too much emphasis on the words written in the Bible that we completely miss the meaning and intentions behind them.

    1. And I agree we largely ignore historical context and culture when we preach and study the scripture. (Your reminding me of the Red Tent 🙂
      I also think that even the churches or books or sermons that do it well, of getting at the heart of the meaning of scripture, are usually silent about the fact that the women are at most minor characters in most of the book.

  7. I think to take your message in the context of Jesus teaching would be to start doing this now. This would be living out his kingdom. A kingdom different than the world. Part of the kingdom being realized is everyone being fully able participate. I think a big part of what Jesus was leading us to is interdependency. While the church was done some things well, it is possible that if women were more empowered we'd all be doing better. If we look through a lens of interdependency if women aren't empowered we are all missing out on what they have to offer. I have heard arguments that the new testament church was "progressive" towards women in there day, if so maybe we ought to be on the forefront eliminating sexism today.

  8. You know, I feel like my church does a pretty good job in this area. At least in terms of giving women equality in leadership positions, having a voice, honoring giftedness, and seeing these things as an issue of justice. http://www.seattlequest.org
    This is the first time i've ever been in a church like this (grew-up in the complementarian camp), and I can't tell you what an influence it's had on me. Of course we ALL have a long way to go in undoing the gender inequalities we've always experienced, but I have never felt so honored as a person and empowered to follow God wherever He leads me in ministry as I have since being in this church. For the first time in my life, I don't feel limited by what I can't do as a woman. Of course the Church as a whole has a really long way to go, and there's always going to be injustices on an individual level, but there ARE people out there who are doing their best to create a culture of equality and respect. Seek those out for your daughter, and become an agent of change! =)

  9. there is so much beauty and truth out there. I think the danger of going to church is being around an influence that often touts itself as the only truth. it is easy to start to believe it when you constantly surround yourself with people that do, and sermons that affirm it. i think the truth of christianity is almost impossible to see untill you step very far away from it. my girlfriend is one of the very few christians I have ever met that I really respect, and that's because she was told to find her own truth, not told what the truth was.

    raise your daughter with the neighbors, and out in the forest, and in temples, and churches, and bars, and beaches if the truth is the truth, and god is all powerful, there is nothing to be afraid of, it will shine through! plus there's a lot less chance that a tree will mess the message up. "life is beautiful"

    you seem like an amazing parent btw.

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