As a new parent, I recently read the book, Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp at the request of a friend. The following thoughts are a review of the book itself, and should not be seen as a reflection on the parenting techniques espoused or those parents who choose those techniques. I’ll cut right to the chase, the books main premise is that communication and “the rod” (which in this book is translated to mean spanking specifically) are the biblical form of parenting. While I currently don’t plan on using spanking as a form of discipline for my children, I’m not completely set on it one way or the other. However, I felt Tripp’s book, while containing some valuable parenting tips, was overall a poor argument for the use of spanking as the only biblical method of discipline.
First of all, I will say that there are a number of things I did appreciate about Tripp’s book. His emphasis on communication is paramount. Any parent who misses the importance of communication will struggle to really connect with their children, I think that’s obvious. But Tripp goes out and says that we’ve begun to emphasis “quality time over quantity time” and he says that this misses the importance of being around and available to our children as much as possible. I think that’s huge.
I also like one of the examples he gave as he talked about the goal being to get to the heart issue of every discipline concern. He gave the example of two kids fighting over a toy. The typical response is to figure out who had it first, or set a timer to force the kids to share, or something like that. But he points out that all of these things miss the importance of kids learning to put others before themselves and being selfless, that’s the root of the issue you could be working on. He also talks about Jesus telling us to “Love our enemies” as something we should instill in our kids and help them address things like the bully on the bus with those sorts of radical values rather then fight or flight.
My main beef with Shepherding a Child’s Heart is that Tripp sets of “straw man” arguments for every other discipline method he disagrees with. What I mean by that is that when he discusses his ‘opponent’ viewpoints (those discipline methods he does not agree with) he does not give solid valid examples, but rather sets up terrible examples (straw men) that even those who espouse those discipline methods would say were bad examples, and thus he makes it easy for the reader to join his side. Let me show you one example, one where I even agree with his point.
Tripp encourages parents to talk with their kids not at their kids. Using dialog to draw out the child’s feelings rather than simply giving your monologue about the situation. I complete agree with him. However, here’s the example of a monologue that he gave (this is a straw man):
(concerning a pair of sneakers you bought for your child)
“Look, I know you don’t like the sneakers, but that’s all I could afford. Don’t be such a baby. What would Jared say if I told him you were crying over something like this? They’re just going to get messed up anyway. In a couple days no one will know what they look like. What do you care about what those kids think about your sneakers? Who made them the experts anyhow? You should be thankful you even have them. Those sneakers you don’t like cost more than my first car. Look, I have to go to work; I have more important things to worry about than sneakers…”
Now, any parent in their right mind would say this is a horrible way to parent, but for Tripp to choose this as an example of the opposing view is unfair. It is possible to give a very sympathetic, heartfelt monologue to your child about their sneakers, even though it’s still better to dialog and let them share their feelings.
Tripp continues to use this technique as he points out all the “Unbiblical Methods” to parenting: I didn’t Turn Out So Bad, Pop Psychology, Behavior Modification, Emotionalism, Punitive Correction, and Erratic Eclecticism. Each time he gives horrible examples of that method which leaves any decent parent completely agreeing that that is not a good way to raise a child. That was my biggest problem with Tripp. By the time I got to the section where he wanted to talk about the “Biblical” way to parent, I wasn’t interested in listening anymore, he’d been so unfair in his critique.
The second thing I had a serious issue with is his use of Scripture. He does very little to give any depth, context, background, or otherwise to the scriptures he references. Your supposed to take them at face value, which would be okay, if he also took them at face value. He uses multiple random Scriptures to critique the “unbiblical” parenting methods, and then multiple other random verses to espouse his “biblical” methods. He leaves himself and his book as the only valid interpretation and doesn’t give any reason or basis to believe it. Here’s what I mean.
Tripp believes the biblical method for parenting is communication and “the rod.” By “the rod” he means:
“The rod is a parent, in faith toward God and faithfulness toward his or her children, undertaking the responsibility of careful, timely, measured and controlled use of physical punishment to underscore the importance of obeying God, thus rescuing the child from continuing in his foolishness until death.” (p. 108)
How in the world he’s able and allowed to draw all of that from a handful of verses that say “the rod”, but others aren’t allowed to follow a similar strategy in choosing their parenting method, I’m not sure. But it gets even more specific than that. He literally spends pages and pages talking about what “the rod” is and is not, as well as the best way to administer “the rod.” What’s unfair again is that he’s taken his specific interpretation and tagged it as “biblical” without allowing others to take a similar look at Scripture and come to a different conclusion. He doesn’t give any reason why the rod doesn’t literally mean a metal or wooden rod of some kind. Here is the “How” of Spanking from the book, with only one scripture reference as any support:
1. Take your child to a private place where he can be spoken with in privacy
2. Tell him specifically what he has done or failed to do.
3. Secure an acknowledgment from the child of what he has done.
4. Remind him that the function of spanking is not venting your frustration or because you are angry, but to restore him to the place in which God has promised blessing.
5. Tell the child how many swats he will receive.
6. Remove his drawers so that the spanking is not lost in the padding of his pants.
7. After you have spanked take the child up on your lap and hug him, telling him how much you love him.
8. Pray with him. (p. 150)
Again, even though there are some good tips on how to discipline here, his stating that this is what is meant by “the rod” and what is the only “Biblical” method for parenting is completely unfounded.
As you can see, overall I didn’t like the book. The two main reasons are above: He sets up straw man arguments of the opposing view and he extrapolates a lot to give his basis for biblical discipline without allowing the same freedom for other parenting methods. But, there’s a few other things that nagged me and I’ll just list them below.
- He mentions twice, sort of underhandedly, that the freedom movements of the 60’s and 70’s where a bad thing in that they taught a generation to rebel against authority. I think it’s these were vaguely concealed sexist and racist remarks…
“The racial and anti-war protests of the 1960s powerfully shaped [Today’s parents] ideas. The protest movement took on the establishment. It changed the way we think about authority and the rights of the individual. As a result, it is no longer culturally acceptable for Dad to be the “boss” at home. Mom doesn’t obediently do what Dad says, or at least pretend she does.” (p. xvi) (he goes on to imply throughout that our rebellion against authority is wrong and even sinful) - In addressing an FAQ about when I child is old enough he mentions his 8 month old trying to get to a bookshelf his mother had told him not to touch. “Not seeing her, he headed back toward the forbidden bookshelf…Obviously, he was old enough to be disciplined.”(p. 155)
- He also contradicts himself in his parenting advice. Things he critiqued in other parenting methods, like children not connecting the punishment to the disobedience because it’s not enforced immediately gets disregarded when your unable to implement the spanking method because your out in public.
- He uses the Scripture “Honor your father and mother” as something that parents are in charge of enforcing over their children. Basically saying, and I quote, “God has made me your mother and has said that you must treat me with honor.” (p. 137)
- The parenting method of spanking (physical discipline) is a “power over” structure that I think is clearly unbiblical. Tripp even spends a chapter addressing this, and how as your ‘authority’ dwindles your ‘influence’ needs to increase so that you still have control over your child. Discussing the transition from younger to older he says: “The parents’ word is law because they have the physical capacity to enforce it. As a child grows, the ability to control him that way diminishes. The more Junior grows and develops physically and mentally, what you may accomplish through raw authority diminishes.” (p. 97)
- He also uses the male pronoun “he” for nearly all of his examples. Unless he’s talking about a specific situation involving a girl, he always says “he.” I just noticed it and found it bothered me (maybe because I have a girl).
- This passage also bothered me:
“I recall many conversations that went like this:
FATHER: You didn’t obey Daddy, did you?
CHILD: No.
FATHER: Do you remember what God says Daddy must do if you disobey?
CHILD: Spank Me?
FATHER: That’s right. I must spank you. If I don’t, then I would be disobeying God. You and I would both be wrong. That would not be good for you or for me, would it?
CHILD: No. [a reluctant reply]
(p. 31)
Let me conclude by just saying, in no way is this meant to be a critique of spanking as a discipline method (I’ll try and bring up my concerns about it in later blog posts, but that’s not my intent here), nor a condemnation of any parent who chooses to follow that method. I really think there are a lot of godly people who’ve looked at scripture and chosen what they felt is the best way to raise their child, and I commend them for that. I simply feel this book was a poor support of spanking as a biblical discipline and a poor critique of other discipline methods.
I am a non-violent[hence non-spanking] parent, ever want some info or tips or whatever just drop a line
I just have to respond, because I am a little bit ahead of you on the parenting journey; my daughter is a year and 9 months. I have “tried” the spanking method with my little girl- mainly, I would smack her hands if she was doing something that I specifically forbade her to do ( we’re talking dangerous stuff, like trying to play with the electric outlet). Of course, she just thinks this is a game, and she laughs, even if I feel I have smacked her pretty hard. Early on, my husband and I abandoned the physical punishment in favor of “time out”. She responds instantly to that. We sit her on the couch, physically holding her in place, and count down either 30 sec. or 1 min- depending on how grievous the infraction is. We have found that this “communicates” discipline to our specific child much better than spanking. Of course, I know that some children do respond well to spanking- if it is done correctly. The idea that one method of discipline will always work for every child is ridiculous. We need to communicate differently with different adults- and so, we also need to spend the time to get to know our children well enough to discipline them in a way that communicates with them.
Anyway, that’s just my take from in the trenches. It’s great to see how dedicated you are to parenting your little girl with God’s love!
I had to comment. In reading his section on how to spank all I could think of is this: “What kind of view of God would this create for my son?” I feel the whole method is fraught with problems. I understand the need for punishment, but why must it be physical punishment? The biblical narrative (at least my perspectival reading of it) tends to have many different “punishments.” Think Adam and Eve, Moses, David, even the entire nation of Israel. God handled them differently in the context of the situation not with “physical” punishment every time.
Speaking from experience (I was punished by spanking and time outs, etc.), spankings or “the rod” did nothing for me in changing my behavior. All a spanking did was strike fear into me and make me become more crafty and make sure I didn’t get caught. As I got older my mother often reminded me that there are consequences to our actions, but that in telling the truth the consequence would be lighter than continuing trying to lie. It worked for me.
Now, flash forward. I have a soon-to-be three year old son Micah. He likes to test boundaries like any child does and can throw major fits. We only “spank” (more like a swift pat on the rear with a diaper still on) in the extreme case where he is refusing to listen or accept the time-out punishment. We started “time-outs” early on (between 9 months and 12 months). We had heard that 30 seconds for every 6 months of age somewhere and so that is what we would do. We would tell Micah that he was going into a time-out and then when he was younger we would sit him in our lap and hold him for 30 seconds or whatever the age appropriate time was. Then after the time-out we would reinforce why he had the timeout and remind him that we loved him, give him a hug and kiss, and then return him to what he was doing. This had worked out greatly. Now when he tell him he needs a time-out (he still isn’t happy about it) he walks over to the couch pouting and then sits and waits for mommy or daddy to come and talk to him (once he was able to sit by himself we started to have him sit and we would go about what we were doing so he wasn’t “controlling” us through his behavior).
We have found out that sometimes we have to remind him that toys are not a right and have had to take away toys for a certain period of time.
Personally, I think the biggest key to parenting is communication and boundaries (creating safe boundaries and reinforcing the importance of loving others). When a child is shown love and then also told what is good to do and what is not good to do they are “formed” in that way early on.
Great review of Tripp’s book. I was given a similar book when my daughter was born and my hubby and I came to the same conclusions. We wanted our daughter to not only understand the definition of grace but really feel it from the start. I don’t ever want her to think she has to do something/not do something to earn our favor/wrath. We don’t use any punishments but we are far from permissive. There are excellent gentle discipline resources out there for Christians. You just have to dig through the punitive stuff to get to them!
thanks for the review.. this is first one of this book I have read that I actually agree with, and feel is done from a critically thinking perspective. our family had similiar reactions after reading this book.
Amy,
Glad you found it. I was sort of surprised that I couldn’t find other critical reviews of it after I read it.
no kidding, I literally searched for book reviews that were not positive, and I found nothing that even remotely disagreed with it. Which is odd, b/c I really felt like it was not written from a critical thinking perspective, and it gets recommended to me constantly. A book that I have found to be very helpful and an excellent resource (without straw man analaogies) is The Danger of Raising Nice Kids… I’d highly recommend it.
Amy,
Thanks for the recommendation. I’ll definitely check that out when I have a chance.
I guess I’m pretty late in the game to be commenting on this post, but I just saw it in your year recap. =) To be fair, I haven’t read this book, but I’ve heard a LOT about it and read many reviews. From what I understand, one of my biggest problems with Tripp’s perspective is the idea that a child’s heart is influenced (in a positive way) by physical force. On one hand he’s saying that it’s the heart that matters, gotta get to the heart, it’s not just about behavior, etc.. And with that I totally agree. But then he turns around and says that the way to get to the heart is to exert controlling external punishments like spanking. In every other area of faith this is ridiculous. This isn’t how Jesus disciples our hearts, this is not the message of the Gospel. We grow from the inside out, not from the outside in. To assume that I have helped transform my two year-old’s heart by spanking her is, to me, ludicrous. Of course, I think boundaries are a part of it, and I’m not suggesting a permissive style of parenting. But I think the Cross pretty much eradicates any need for punitive-type “transforming methods” like spanking. God doesn’t give me a virtual spanking when I mses-up, I don’t punish my husband when he messes-up in our relationship, and I don’t punish my daughter when she messes-up. What about the life of the Spirit in the heart? Where does that fit-in? I’m really not surprised that most of the people I know that are my age struggle with viewing their spiritual lives in such a legalisic way—it’s because we were parented like this! It’s like we don’t really believe that it’s the Spirit’s job to change our kids’ hearts, we have to scare them into submission just in case it doesn’t “take.” Ok, I could really go on for awhile, but I’ll stop since this is just a little comment on a big topic. But yeah, not such a fan of Tripp. =)
@Emily: I hope your baby arrives shortly! It’s never too late, that’s why we have nice subscribe to comments and recent comment features here on the blog.
I really appreciate your insight on the topic. I totally agree with you,
“We grow from the inside out, not from the outside in.”
I found the leap to corporal punishment as a the appropriate way to deal with a child’s heart (the root of misbehavior) to be ridiculous or illogical at best.
That said, any tips on parenting a 1.5-2 year old? She’s just starting to throw temper tantrums and demanding her own way.
Ariah, a couple of resources I’ve found extremely helpful are http://www.aolff.com and http://www.goybparenting.com
There is also a great website called Gentle Christian Mothers (www.gentlechristianmothers.com) that has articles and message boards, particularly one about grace-based discipline, that I lurk in a lot. I also loved Grace-Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel.
Tantrums aren’t fun, and it’s hard for me to not lose my patience, but I try to remind myself that it’s very developmentally appropriate and try not to assign negative intent where it may not necessarily belong. We’ve had lots of success with enforcing boundaries without using punitive punishment, thankfully the only two options aren’t punishment or permissiveness. There is a great middle ground that I believe is more in line with the Gospel and how I imagine Jesus would parent my daughter. Still learning every day, but it’s been a great journey of learning how to discipline with grace and it’s been a big catalyst in how I’ve grown in my own understanding and experience of the Gospel and how God parents me.
Okay, so I'm definitely checking out those websites. Any other tips let me know.
I haven't read the book so I can't speak from that point of view…but as a children's health care provider I can mention a few of my observations of the families that come through the Pediatric Emergency Room.
In my experience (limited), physical punishment is the short-cut. to controlling a child's behavior. Obviously, I am not saying that physical discipline is never valid for any family or every child. If a child does not respond to warnings to their physical safety in particular (think roadways, hot surfaces, boiling pots) a harsh tap on the hand might startle them enough to say, "Pay attention! Listen to mommy (or daddy) right now!"
Enter text right here!I guess as a health care provider who works with children and families I will feel a responsibility to practice what I teach (which in non-spanking). And I believe in this approach because the background of the majority of my patients is urban and poor and i know from research (and unfortuantely, experience) that being an urban poor child makes you more likely to be abused by members of your own family. Breaking all aspects of the cycles of poverty requires intentional education and community on behalf of all those with influence.
I say all this not because I think I know better because I don't. and not because parenting is easy because I can see very clearly that it isn't.. I also understand that the conditions that bring a family to the ED in the first place might place a family under greater stress. I appreciate this. and thus seek to use these stressful (and often very intense) moments to come alongside parents and often just demonstrate to relate to either an ill child or misbehaving child.
Anyway…that's a little more than my 2 cents…Sorry 🙂
I second gentle christian mothers! That forum is fantastic!!
I’ll add that Harvey Karp’s Happiest Toddler on the Block was helpful for me at exactly that time frame: 15 months to about 27 months. It felt silly to speak “toddlerease” but the tantrums all but disappeared. Now…as in all things with children, the tantrums reappeared in a different form later on and we found new creative ways to work with an older tot. For that, a comfort corner has been really helpful.
Our God is so creative in the ways he parents us. I draw on His incredible imagination in my own parenting. We have been given the mind of Christ!
I just got that book out of the library! I'll let you know what I think. Thanks for the tip.
Excellent review! I think you raised some very good points. I am another Christian parent who believes that God has called me to treat my children the way I would want to be treated. I have a recent blog post on spanking from a Christian viewpoint. It has been a joy to us to see how our children are learning to obey, not from fear, but from a desire to show love to others.
Really great review about this book and you have described everything very clearly.